Some days I’m too sick to write

Sometimes, I wake up, and before my eyelids are fully retracted I have an impending blast of doom and hopelessness. It is a patternless, random thing. Sometimes I go a week or more between; sometimes I go several days in a row fighting to move through this swamp of despair.

There are times when something unfortunate happens in my life, maybe I don’t get adequate rest or get into a disagreement or make a big mistake or have to consider an important decision, for example, and I can accept the mental swamp at those times. It can come on as a reaction in the middle of a day. But other times, oftentimes I would say, it’s an unearned penance. It’s like I get lost and wander into the badlands while I dream, because even in the moment just before awareness from sleep, I am aware we are there again.

Actually,

Amily

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Barren

Last month I learned I am unable to have any more children. I am a bit devastated and heartbroken over it. I haven’t fully accepted it. I wanted one more child. My body has decided it isn’t going to make that a possibility. I need a hysterectomy. I know millions of women face this every year. Every day. Some of them never even got the chance to have a child, first. I acknowledge I am far beyond blessed. I am still greatly pained by this. I don’t care if it’s selfish. Yes, I could adopt and so on. I still mourn. It physically hurts. I will survive this. My husband doesn’t even like kids much. It’s likely better. But it still hurts.

Actually,

Amily

Who Am I Now?

I have this Jacuzzi tub in my room. In the mornings I like to get up and fill it with very hot water and grab a cup of coffee and my phone… And just chill. I feel sort of, I don’t know, protected here. It’s too small for a second person. It keeps people (the kids) out of my room because I’m naked. I guess it sort of lets me recharge a bit in the mornings. Though isn’t that what sleep is supposed to be for? But I don’t really feel recharged when I wake up most days anymore.

I had a rough day yesterday. It’s kind of becoming the new normal. I’m not sure if I should embrace and adjust or keep striving for more and better. Life’s one big Monopoly game, isn’t it? Every roll of the dice gives me anxiety these days. I can’t remember the last time I was like “Oooh…my turn!” Is it my attitude? Have I become negative? And is this “it”?

Actually,

Amily

Just Another Spoke in the Wheel

Am I just being melodramatic or is this really as insane as it feels? I am nearly gripped with anxiety lately over life in general. I am concerned and dreaming about and wake up thinking about debt and the speed at which life is draining away. A nodule was found on my lung as well as an issue with my liver, and neither of those even explained the pain I went in for. I feel like my body is too overwhelming to manage lately. I don’t know what to do next. Things are hard at my job and I don’t have a great answer for them. I have classes I feel stretched thin in. I am trying to manage this new phase of having an adult child. We made financial agreements over the money coming in from Financial Aid and those aren’t panning out. Everything feels out of control and crazy and I just don’t know the next step. It’s not getting better, it’s getting worse. Where does it go from here? What’s next? What’s worse than this?

Actually,

Amily

So much and so little

I’ve really struggled lately. So many self issues. Self doubt and self hate and self punishment and so much misery and melancholy. Painful melancholy. And so little joy. So little connection. So much and simultaneously so very little. And I feel eaten alive. Like ants on me. I know they will sting again but I cannot predict where exactly the pain will happen or how much there will be or how long this one will last or how many at once will sting. It’s put me in this crazy headspace where I feel I am going to implode. And I kind of look forward to that, to feeling pretty drugs go into my veins and for the world to wash away and responsibilities to be no more for a little while. I’d feel like Willy Wonka for a little while. But I’ve been on the edge of this for a long time now and I fear if I ever go over there may be no coming back. So I cling. I adjust my footholds. And I keep hanging on. One day either I’ll be pulled back or I’ll fall. I don’t think I can climb out of this myself.

Actually,

Amily

More of EMDR

So we’ve been doing this at sessions for—over 4 months now, at least. I’m not totally sure. I’ve had one aha moment and a lot of what feels like blocked…I’m really not sure what term I’d assign. A blocked path? A gated off road I can’t go down, maybe? It’s really frustrating. It’s like the teenager in me just will not let the memories through. Maybe there’s nothing there but it feels like there is. Not sure what’s next.

Ghosted

Earlier this year a gentleman contacted me and said he identified with my words and wondered if we could connect outside the blog. He is this amazing human whom I’ve truly grown to love. We got to know each other. I could be more real with my friend than just about anyone ever. He advised me in wisdom and always with my best interest at heart. He was a positive light in my life, not afraid to step up and change the world when it needed it. I felt like we empowered and enlightened and supported one another. He has become an important facet of my life.

Everything was going amazingly perfectly well and then crisis struck. He was forced into retirement. Then his mother had a stroke and needed placing in long term care. Then she had another and she didn’t make it through. Then his girlfriend’s daughter got cancer and she moved across the country to be with her. Since his mother had passed and his job was complete, he made the decision to move across the country to be close to his lady whose daughter had now passed. Then his new basement flooded. Then, he started having heart problems and was scheduled for stints. He told me that he and his girlfriend had decided to scale back on any commitments and just go out from time to time. And I’m not certain what happened there but I am fairly certain he was in love with her. And I’ve not heard from him since.

I miss him in my life. I miss his way of thinking. He was willing to give me a different perspective even when I didn’t want to hear it. He encouraged me to be a better person and wife and mom. He was patient and loving and kind. I didn’t deserve it but he gave it anyhow. I feel incredibly blessed to have had this year with him. I miss him.

Actually,

Amily