You’re not there now

Dear Frank,

My sweet, precious friend died last night. I just found out today. He was amazing. We had a connection like I’ve never had with another human. He so selflessly loved me.

I always talk to you about these things-the things that hurt me and scare me. And now, you’re gone. And I don’t know how to cope. I need your insight and perspective.

Love,

Amily

Breath of fresh air

I took a deep breath for the first time in some time today. For three solid hours I breathed in fresh air. The planets aligned for me for a moment, and it was majestic. I will be running high off of this for days I think. Was it “proper”? Is it ever? Was it evil? Nope. Am I sorry? Definitely NOT!!! *longing sigh* ☺️

Actually,

Amily

Dear Husband,

I learned today she’s not like me. She doesn’t look like me: she’s younger, thinner, with better hair and features. She doesn’t act like me: she’s fun, outgoing. She doesn’t live like me: she’s almost got her degree and has a lot of life left in her. She’s not made like me: she hasn’t gone through the trauma and pain to leave a broken person like me. You two have an intrinsic bond, you have things in common. She makes you smile, your color improves, your outlook is better.

Part of me needs to go find my own partner 2.0, who’s better than you. I desperately want to tie you to a chair and make you watch it all play out right in front of you, like you’ve done to me. The other part of me is actively rolling into a tighter fetal position, trying to be smaller, wishing it all away.

You took the soul and the life that I poured into you, bottled it up, and now will give it back to someone else, and it doesn’t seem right and it doesn’t seem fair. You cost me everything. You’re leaving me with little.

Yet I stay here, doing favors for her at your request. I am still paying your way while you don’t work. I’m trying to hold together a semblance of a life for the young eyes that are watching. I joke that there will be a reward someday for the nicest separated wife ever, but there won’t. And we both know. And while this time will be but a blip in your life; it is wrinkling mine. I will just keep on reassuring my soul that it will be okay; it will get better. This too shall pass. And I will remember next time when it feels good and right, not to get comfortable and vulnerable, because it, too, shall pass.

Honestly,

Amily

While the wound is fresh…

Like any injury, emotional injury really affects our life. When you have a deep hurt, it has to be soothed over by something or it festers. It oozes infection and blood all over everything and everyone you get near. You can cover it with a band aid like alcohol or other drugs. You can be obsessive over a new project or hobby. You can isolate yourself. The only way to “treat it”, to get it better, is to talk about it. Acknowledge it happened and get help with your perspective. It’s truly salve for the soul. Otherwise it never goes away. Eventually it will scab over, but every time it’s the least bit poked at, it’ll open up as fresh and nasty as it ever felt. The longer it brews under your band aid of choice, the uglier the scar it’s gonna leave if you ever do get help. And this is just my opinion, but I feel like trauma, especially that that happens in childhood, is like diabetes for the soul. You get hurt with emotional diabetes and that wound really needs a lot of attention to heal up.

Actually,

Amily

Lonely

What. Is. Wrong. With. Me?! I am in a (very large) cabin on the river at a family reunion. There are four generations here. Probably twenty-four people staying, ten others maybe in and out. There’s a ton of food. Lots of alcohol. Good times to be had by all. But I am so lonely. I have no relationship with any of these people. We talk a bit here and there but mainly I just sit and listen to the others chat. I have nothing to offer or add to the conversation. Occasionally, my husband drags me into one. He’s a social butterfly. He can and will have a conversation with any and every person he comes into contact with. He flits around talking and chatting and having a great time. I’m just miserable, sitting here alone. And he asks regularly “Are you having fun?”, and “Are you good?” Of course honey *cue happy smile*. Why? Why is it like this?

Actually,

Amily

Gag…no need, I already feel like barfing!

Will I EVER not be nauseous again?! I feel stuck like this. Sick every second. I don’t want to eat because I always feel sick. I feel like I’m forgetting something. Every moment. Nothing helps except sleeping but I struggle to get and stay asleep now.

My son left recently. And I’m still so sad. I thought I would feel better by now, but I’m sad as hell. He’s in basic training for two months. A little less than that, now. I still cry a little every day. On one of the support groups this morning where all of these Mamas talk and support each other, share their struggles as well as good news and progress, a man put a post up and said he was a veteran and the people on that page need to realize that essentially they aren’t your babies anymore, you need to realize and accept that they are grown, chose this, are serving their country and we need to get over it.

Well, you know what? I will NEVER not consider my babies my babies. I have held their tiny, defenseless bodies against mine when they were the size of a cantaloupe. It changed me. I don’t care how old or big they get, they are still that precious to me. And this particular one, we went through the death of his father when he was two together, and I was very young. I don’t have a lot of family, so it was just me and him. He is my only son. We have a special connection.

At the same time, I’m not trying to hover or live his life or take away from his decision. But it was his. It was not mine. I would never have chosen this path for him. I support him wholeheartedly, but this is really a struggle for me. I worry constantly. And he’s not even on foreign soil, yet. Not even close. I never want to be that controlling, overbearing mother. I would not respect him if he lived his life to make me happy. I want him to do his own thing and find his own path.

But y’all…this is hard. I’ll make it through just fine. I have a lot of support. The days will go by. But they are hard right now. I’ll get into a pattern and a routine. But I’m not there yet. Our life has changed dramatically and this really snuck up on me. I never considered it a possibility that I would be a military mom. I’ve been doing the research to be prepared as all of this unfolds. It’s a lot of work and a LOT of uncertainty. But I’ve happily done it. And I will continue. But frankly, the reality check we were offered was not helpful.

So, anyhow, I’m going to go eat a cracker and have some Sprite® and try to stop the nausea for five minutes. 🙂

Actually,

Amily

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Things and Happenings

These days, I am an old student. Well, I am not old, but I’m sure not young for a student! Being a “non-traditional” student is weird, and I’m not sure why. I am on the same track as someone half my age. I take the same classes with them. Everything is the same except I did not get to do this right out of high school. Currently I am on summer break from classes. This is my favorite time of year. I am not currently juggling classes alongside my full-time management job, husband, house, two kids at home, one very young adult now returned home, medical and dental needs everyone has, extracurriculars everyone has, etc. It is less stressful in many ways. In others, it is odd because it feels maybe busier in that we aren’t on our regular schedule. Things get postponed and forgotten and it just all goes by too quickly.

This weekend, my husband, two younger children and I drove to Galveston, TX to get some beach time in. It is about a 7-8 hour drive for us. We left Friday night and arrived back home about 3:00PM Sunday. It was a whirlwind trip, but the ocean really rejuvenates me. We took snacks and drinks. We ate inexpensively. We stayed in cheap hotel rooms. I just needed to get to the water. We didn’t have time to really make it a vacation. We spent about six hours at the beach. That’s a LOT of money and a LOT of driving for six hours on the sand, but there is simply nothing like it for me. I do hope the day comes where I’m walking distance from the shore. I know it has a lot of downfalls, but it’s truly a mental health drug for me.

Husband’s clinicals continue tomorrow. Early mornings and busy weeks. Then my oldest at home starts back band practice 8-5, Monday through Friday. It’s all a whirlwind and my hope is that we find time to do some living in the midst of the schedules. I don’t think we’re going to look back and appreciate how we’ve allocated our time over these last few years. We are hoping we are investing in a better life for the future.

Things could be better with my son. Man, it is SO hard to deal with this adult version of this very immature child. He has permission from the world to do his own thing, but he is so not ready. He has absolutely nothing figured out. But he sure wants to project the image of someone who does. It just ends up in chaos. He is so very self-centric. He cannot think beyond his self. I hope he grows out of a lot of it. He has failed out of college. He’s trying to get in the Air Force. His test scores are great. He is very fit. But we shall see how it all works out over the coming weeks. I was pretty freaked out about it initially, but I’m ready for him to be moving on and us be on a “come for a visit” status again. I know that must seem so very awful to you, but it’s a hard situation. He blames me for his failing out of college. He blames me for literally everything bad in his life. He cannot see that I sacrificed myself to the bone over and over and over for him. I’m not saying I’m sitting here waiting for my name to be called for the Mother of the Year Award, but I always put his wellbeing before my own. One day I hope he can see that, and I hope it’s not at the end of his own very painful set of circumstances.

Also, I’m totally still clueless about what I want to be when I grow up. I think I want to run my own thing as an entrepreneur, but I don’t know in what industry. I want to help people. I want to make a good living doing it. I don’t mind working hard and long hours. I like to be on the creation side of things. I’ve done dozens of interest inventory type tests, looked at job and industry stats, researched careers and areas of expertise. I know a lot of things I don’t want to do. I don’t want to manage people (I realize I will have to manage someone, but I want to manage the person managing the people who manage the people.) I don’t want to work in an industry that I constantly have to defend (holistic health, adult or other questionable industries, ethically gray areas, etc.) I don’t want to lie, cheat, or steal to compete. I don’t want to deal with the red tape of the medical industry, even though that is what I know. I like math and business and researching things. I’m curious by nature. My passion is disadvantaged kids, and I want to start a non-profit to help them, but I want to be able to generate capital for quality of life and retirement before I delve off into this area. I know I’m going to come across the right thing, and I have time, but it’s closing in. I’m set to meet up with the owners soon to discuss plans for my exit in a year. I will be finishing up the last couple of years of my degree at that point, and then moving on. I’d love, love, love ideas on this.

Actually,

Amily

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